Pam Asslicker Bondi: Our administration is so transparent so we’ll take an additional month to release files missing the deadline and breaking the law because we have to redact victims like Trump and his friends. By the way we’ve found new files, despite the fact I said they were sitting on my desk.

Breaking News: The Oval Office erupted into chaos after consulting a Ouija board confirming that, Biden did indeed shit Trump’s diaper. Soon after learning the news, Scam Bondi and Pete the Queef began violently projectile vomiting due their affinity for tonguing President Trump clean during his diaper change. This prompted Petty Cash to dive behind a small waste paper basket completely concealing his diminutive frame. Freedom-Killer Miller, in a panic for fear of getting vomit on his vintage bondage Nazi attire, ran straight into a wall knocking himself out leaving Little Marco alone, quivering in fright, perched high atop his booster seat. President Trump’s reaction was of seething rage, muttering something about how his Grand Mage Thiel must’ve known and is conspiring against him, until a dumbfounded demeanor suddenly overtook him and he pointed forward proudly declaring, “It’s a giraffe! Told ya I knew what the picture was. I’m a genius! Where’s my cookie?”

She looks like she aged 10 years last year. Must be really draining to sell your soul and protect pedophiles.