The way I heard it, he brokered a peace deal between the Comet and Earth.
FrenchPressYes on
BREAKING: Trump Announces “Historic Deal” With Giant Comet — Sources Confirm the Comet Negotiated Circles Around Him
In a surprise press conference held on the White House lawn replica at Mar-a-Lago, former President Donald Trump proudly announced he had personally negotiated with the massive comet currently barreling toward Earth. According to Trump, the “tremendous, absolutely tremendous deal” ensures the comet will “pass by politely, like a classy neighbor who knows who the big guy is.”
However, astronomers, staffers, and one visibly stressed amateur astrologer tell a different story.
Witnesses say Trump insisted the comet meet him “halfway,” which scientists attempted to explain was not how gravity works. But Trump remained undeterred, declaring, “I’ve made deals with tougher things — banks, NATO, Tiffany’s school. A rock in space? Easy.”
Sources report that once negotiations began, the comet immediately outmaneuvered him. Translating its seismic rumblings, NASA interpreters revealed the comet secured the following concessions:
Earth will rotate slightly slower for the comet’s convenience.
Trump personally agreed to rename Florida “Cometlandia” for six weeks every summer.
NASA must provide the comet with a “no-collision guarantee,” something scientists say is physically impossible but Trump signed anyway “because the comet was being very mean.”
At one point, Trump bragged he had convinced the comet to reduce its trajectory by “many, many miles.” Astronomers later clarified that the comet had always been missing Earth by millions of miles — but the comet took credit for the change anyway, reportedly smirking in solar radiation.
“The comet absolutely took him for a ride,” said one staffer. “It’s a ball of ice and dust with no brain and still negotiated better than he ever has.”
When asked what leverage he used in the discussion, Trump replied, “Well, I told it if it hits Earth, it ruins the value of my golf courses. Big mistake. That’s when it demanded naming rights.”
Scientists remain baffled at how a celestial object with no consciousness, no legal standing, and no detectable interest in human affairs still somehow got a better deal than most world leaders.
Trump concluded the press conference by assuring supporters the comet “loves him, respects him, and said I’m probably the only human who really understands space.” Moments later, the comet released a statement — in the form of a harmless burst of dust — widely interpreted as laughter.
Uniquarie on
Why, did he threaten it with tariffs?
meeyeam on
Big comet, strong comet with tears streaming down it’s comet face.
Syke_qc on
He stopper the comet war
awesomestwinner on
Before negotiations the comet had a .001% chance of hitting the earth. Trump negotiated that up to 3% contingent on the Trump org having exclusive mining rights if the comet hits us.
The comet is assumed to contain hundreds of billions dollars in precious metal content. Trump now counts 3% of that as personal equity that he can borrow against.
The peace prize explicitly excludes extra-terrestrial objects or representatives…nice try pedonny.
BlueDragonfly18 on
Trump: “Tim Comet is a tough negotiator…a very tough negotiator. But we managed to negotiate an agreement. America is great again, thanks to me.”
Anonmasterrace7898 on
Well it was nice knowing you all.
spartane69 on
Would actually not be suprised about this…
Sunastar on
Comet: I’m gonna circle Uranus before I get there.
TheRump: Ooooh. Do you want me to blow your tail before or after?
No_big_whoop on
“Biden was horrible on comet and really, as pertains to space… just horrible. He couldn’t get it done, he tried he couldn’t, just an absolute failure. Trump is very strong on comet and space all together.”
Quick-Emphasis2098 on
I wish the good lord comet would just take me now.
psilicyguy on
The Comet said to him: “Sir oh please Sir. We love you so much but fear your power would you pretty please let us fly by without destroying us Sir?”
Total_Adept on
Try not to suck it off as it passes by
StOnEy333 on
“It’s a beautiful comet. Some say the most beautiful of all time. Yes, a heavenly body. I’m not going to heaven. I won’t be with the comet. No, I’m gonna burn in hell with Hitler. He was a good man! Many bright ideas.”
ailish on
If it’s anything like his so-called ceasefire deals between Israel and Gaza then we’re all definitely going to die.
Digital_Idealist on
Reddit is good for quick funny posts, but if you’re interested in quality, long-form Onion-style political satire including this story about Trump negotiating a deal with the comet, you should check out newworldhumor.com. It’s thoughtful and clever, not just one-off memes.
ufotheater on
Wow, that’s the 8th apocalypse he’s prevented this month
CommonConundrum51 on
So get your affairs in order and make peace with your God.
21 Comments
The way I heard it, he brokered a peace deal between the Comet and Earth.
BREAKING: Trump Announces “Historic Deal” With Giant Comet — Sources Confirm the Comet Negotiated Circles Around Him
In a surprise press conference held on the White House lawn replica at Mar-a-Lago, former President Donald Trump proudly announced he had personally negotiated with the massive comet currently barreling toward Earth. According to Trump, the “tremendous, absolutely tremendous deal” ensures the comet will “pass by politely, like a classy neighbor who knows who the big guy is.”
However, astronomers, staffers, and one visibly stressed amateur astrologer tell a different story.
Witnesses say Trump insisted the comet meet him “halfway,” which scientists attempted to explain was not how gravity works. But Trump remained undeterred, declaring, “I’ve made deals with tougher things — banks, NATO, Tiffany’s school. A rock in space? Easy.”
Sources report that once negotiations began, the comet immediately outmaneuvered him. Translating its seismic rumblings, NASA interpreters revealed the comet secured the following concessions:
Earth will rotate slightly slower for the comet’s convenience.
Trump personally agreed to rename Florida “Cometlandia” for six weeks every summer.
NASA must provide the comet with a “no-collision guarantee,” something scientists say is physically impossible but Trump signed anyway “because the comet was being very mean.”
At one point, Trump bragged he had convinced the comet to reduce its trajectory by “many, many miles.” Astronomers later clarified that the comet had always been missing Earth by millions of miles — but the comet took credit for the change anyway, reportedly smirking in solar radiation.
“The comet absolutely took him for a ride,” said one staffer. “It’s a ball of ice and dust with no brain and still negotiated better than he ever has.”
When asked what leverage he used in the discussion, Trump replied, “Well, I told it if it hits Earth, it ruins the value of my golf courses. Big mistake. That’s when it demanded naming rights.”
Scientists remain baffled at how a celestial object with no consciousness, no legal standing, and no detectable interest in human affairs still somehow got a better deal than most world leaders.
Trump concluded the press conference by assuring supporters the comet “loves him, respects him, and said I’m probably the only human who really understands space.” Moments later, the comet released a statement — in the form of a harmless burst of dust — widely interpreted as laughter.
Why, did he threaten it with tariffs?
Big comet, strong comet with tears streaming down it’s comet face.
He stopper the comet war
Before negotiations the comet had a .001% chance of hitting the earth. Trump negotiated that up to 3% contingent on the Trump org having exclusive mining rights if the comet hits us.
The comet is assumed to contain hundreds of billions dollars in precious metal content. Trump now counts 3% of that as personal equity that he can borrow against.
Art of the deal
You guys can read the full story here, if you want to laugh more: [https://www.newworldhumor.com/p/trump-strikes-deal-with-giant-comet](https://www.newworldhumor.com/p/trump-strikes-deal-with-giant-comet)
The peace prize explicitly excludes extra-terrestrial objects or representatives…nice try pedonny.
Trump: “Tim Comet is a tough negotiator…a very tough negotiator. But we managed to negotiate an agreement. America is great again, thanks to me.”
Well it was nice knowing you all.
Would actually not be suprised about this…
Comet: I’m gonna circle Uranus before I get there.
TheRump: Ooooh. Do you want me to blow your tail before or after?
“Biden was horrible on comet and really, as pertains to space… just horrible. He couldn’t get it done, he tried he couldn’t, just an absolute failure. Trump is very strong on comet and space all together.”
I wish the good lord comet would just take me now.
The Comet said to him: “Sir oh please Sir. We love you so much but fear your power would you pretty please let us fly by without destroying us Sir?”
Try not to suck it off as it passes by
“It’s a beautiful comet. Some say the most beautiful of all time. Yes, a heavenly body. I’m not going to heaven. I won’t be with the comet. No, I’m gonna burn in hell with Hitler. He was a good man! Many bright ideas.”
If it’s anything like his so-called ceasefire deals between Israel and Gaza then we’re all definitely going to die.
Reddit is good for quick funny posts, but if you’re interested in quality, long-form Onion-style political satire including this story about Trump negotiating a deal with the comet, you should check out newworldhumor.com. It’s thoughtful and clever, not just one-off memes.
Wow, that’s the 8th apocalypse he’s prevented this month
So get your affairs in order and make peace with your God.