Decisive Tang victory. Human swine. Consort Daji. Pick one of these and go searching, the rabbit hole will find you soon after.
wololowhat on
Hakka brother of Jesus
Emperor who was once a sheriff who rebelled coz he late for stuff
Drinking mercury to achieve immortality
Tang siege of a city resorted to cannibalism
The whole opium wars
Zheng he voyage, btw it’s heavily speculated that he has no dong
Speaking of dongs, one dowager queen asked for a boyfriend who can satisfy her in bed, he bring his dong attached to his hips…helped by a wheelbarrow
randomusername1934 on
* Be Hong Xiuquan.
* Fail your civil service entrance exams for the 100th time.
* Get very upset.
* Do a lot of Opium to help you calm down.
* While high start talking to God.
* God explains that you’re actually his second son, and basically Jesus 2.0, and that you should start a holy war to depose the Emperor and place yourself at the head of a new, heavenly, kingdom – and that he removed your intestines and gave you a new set of magical and bright red intestines.
* Seriously, Opium is a hell of a drug.
* Actually follow through once you sober up.
* The Taiping Rebellion/War of the Heavenly Kingdom is estimated to have resulted in at least 20 million deaths (probably much higher), and was the largest war in history at that time.
* Receive support from the ‘Red Turban Faction’, the ‘Small Swords Society’, and the ‘Army of the Black Flag’.
* Force the people living under your rule to live in celibacy and ‘Holy Poverty’, while you live in a palace rivalling the Emperors, surrounded by legions of concubines.
* Spend most of your day getting high, eating luxurious foods, and having expert ‘attention’ from well trained concubines.
* Receive a huge amount of funding, weapons, and support from Americans who have only heard that you’re a ‘Christian fighting against the Chinese Empire’ and think that must make you a wonderful person.
* Lose because your leadership mostly consists of getting high and deciding that God will handle the big decisions for you, and because the British and French arrive and back the Qing dynasty.
* Even after your defeat and horrific execution remnants of the Heavenly Kingdom persist in rural areas for years, and spread out into neighboring countries.
GreatWhiteSalmon on
Billions of people dying every 10 years or so.
TheAllSeeingBlindEye on
The Mandate of Heaven is lost. Jesus’s brother leads a religious insurrection. Millions will be eaten.
PacoPancake on
Chinese history is so stupidly horrendous and often comedically ridiculous, it makes the most insane grimdark lore pale in comparison.
We Chinese even made our own drama and spin-off off of history. For anyone who wants to watch Chinese game of thrones, please read “Romance of the three kingdoms” (oversimplified made the joke already but still). For anyone wanting Chinese peaky blinders, please read “The water Margin”
I do not recommend reading actual Chinese history unless you have a good mental resistance to all the horrible things the ancient and old world had to offer x100. Every rise and fall of a dynasty usually comes with a sea of blood, even individual wars, emperors and rebellions cost millions of lives.
Quoting oversimplified again “someone inevitably builds a pool of wine and forest of meat”, that isnt a joke, that’s literally what one of the earlier emperors did
Crismisterica on
*”Chinese history makes game of thrones look like a Dr Seuss publication.”*
Fla_Master on
A man once had a mental breakdown after failing an exam. When he awoke, he declared that he was the brother of Christ, started an uprising to spread his version of Christianity and ethically cleanse the Manchu elite, and remade Nanjing according to his own design. By some estimates, the war killed more people than the first world war.
Chayaneg on
“Water margin” (Shuǐhǔ Zhuàn) is a bloody MCU/DC! Whole lore of it, like each chapter can be holywoods 3 movies! Seriously impressive!
Mr_Worldwide1810 on
• Built a lot of walls because of annoy neighbor
• Conquered the other neighbor for 1000 years, got beat on the same river 3 times, got beat on Lunar New Year at least 2 times
• Get jumped by 8 big empires at the same times
• The Great Leap Forward/the Cultural Revolution/the Four Pest Campaign/the steelworker campaign
LamyT10 on
Unit 731
RosbergThe8th on
Honestly this goes for most history in comparison, really, for all the grimdark Warhammer touts it is still beholden to trying to be “believable” in a way that history never has been.
themilo540 on
40K fans be like: “God, (Insert Ultramarine character here) is such a mary sue.”
Weakest Chinese general: “-and after conquering Jing province with twenty soldiers in two days, he proceeded to die tragically from overwork while finishing his 90000 page essay about agricultural practices. He spend his final moments on his deathbed organizing the foundation for what would eventually become the indestructible Xinyang castle. It was said the emperor mourned him for six years, and the people wept so much that the Yellow River flooded.”
14 Comments
Posting here to come back later. For the Emperor.
Decisive Tang victory. Human swine. Consort Daji. Pick one of these and go searching, the rabbit hole will find you soon after.
Hakka brother of Jesus
Emperor who was once a sheriff who rebelled coz he late for stuff
Drinking mercury to achieve immortality
Tang siege of a city resorted to cannibalism
The whole opium wars
Zheng he voyage, btw it’s heavily speculated that he has no dong
Speaking of dongs, one dowager queen asked for a boyfriend who can satisfy her in bed, he bring his dong attached to his hips…helped by a wheelbarrow
* Be Hong Xiuquan.
* Fail your civil service entrance exams for the 100th time.
* Get very upset.
* Do a lot of Opium to help you calm down.
* While high start talking to God.
* God explains that you’re actually his second son, and basically Jesus 2.0, and that you should start a holy war to depose the Emperor and place yourself at the head of a new, heavenly, kingdom – and that he removed your intestines and gave you a new set of magical and bright red intestines.
* Seriously, Opium is a hell of a drug.
* Actually follow through once you sober up.
* The Taiping Rebellion/War of the Heavenly Kingdom is estimated to have resulted in at least 20 million deaths (probably much higher), and was the largest war in history at that time.
* Receive support from the ‘Red Turban Faction’, the ‘Small Swords Society’, and the ‘Army of the Black Flag’.
* Force the people living under your rule to live in celibacy and ‘Holy Poverty’, while you live in a palace rivalling the Emperors, surrounded by legions of concubines.
* Spend most of your day getting high, eating luxurious foods, and having expert ‘attention’ from well trained concubines.
* Receive a huge amount of funding, weapons, and support from Americans who have only heard that you’re a ‘Christian fighting against the Chinese Empire’ and think that must make you a wonderful person.
* Lose because your leadership mostly consists of getting high and deciding that God will handle the big decisions for you, and because the British and French arrive and back the Qing dynasty.
* Even after your defeat and horrific execution remnants of the Heavenly Kingdom persist in rural areas for years, and spread out into neighboring countries.
Billions of people dying every 10 years or so.
The Mandate of Heaven is lost. Jesus’s brother leads a religious insurrection. Millions will be eaten.
Chinese history is so stupidly horrendous and often comedically ridiculous, it makes the most insane grimdark lore pale in comparison.
We Chinese even made our own drama and spin-off off of history. For anyone who wants to watch Chinese game of thrones, please read “Romance of the three kingdoms” (oversimplified made the joke already but still). For anyone wanting Chinese peaky blinders, please read “The water Margin”
I do not recommend reading actual Chinese history unless you have a good mental resistance to all the horrible things the ancient and old world had to offer x100. Every rise and fall of a dynasty usually comes with a sea of blood, even individual wars, emperors and rebellions cost millions of lives.
Quoting oversimplified again “someone inevitably builds a pool of wine and forest of meat”, that isnt a joke, that’s literally what one of the earlier emperors did
*”Chinese history makes game of thrones look like a Dr Seuss publication.”*
A man once had a mental breakdown after failing an exam. When he awoke, he declared that he was the brother of Christ, started an uprising to spread his version of Christianity and ethically cleanse the Manchu elite, and remade Nanjing according to his own design. By some estimates, the war killed more people than the first world war.
“Water margin” (Shuǐhǔ Zhuàn) is a bloody MCU/DC! Whole lore of it, like each chapter can be holywoods 3 movies! Seriously impressive!
• Built a lot of walls because of annoy neighbor
• Conquered the other neighbor for 1000 years, got beat on the same river 3 times, got beat on Lunar New Year at least 2 times
• Get jumped by 8 big empires at the same times
• The Great Leap Forward/the Cultural Revolution/the Four Pest Campaign/the steelworker campaign
Unit 731
Honestly this goes for most history in comparison, really, for all the grimdark Warhammer touts it is still beholden to trying to be “believable” in a way that history never has been.
40K fans be like: “God, (Insert Ultramarine character here) is such a mary sue.”
Weakest Chinese general: “-and after conquering Jing province with twenty soldiers in two days, he proceeded to die tragically from overwork while finishing his 90000 page essay about agricultural practices. He spend his final moments on his deathbed organizing the foundation for what would eventually become the indestructible Xinyang castle. It was said the emperor mourned him for six years, and the people wept so much that the Yellow River flooded.”